19:00
i dont eat
Number 9
i wanna die


I used to think, i used to imagine, 
that one day i will open the front door and you would be there.

But you wont be there.
You will never be there. 

Why? 
I ask myself, why? Why wont you be there?
Because, I, would be there without even giving it a second thought.
I would grab my stuff and risk everything i have and be there.

The difference between you and me. 
The difference between me and everyone else.
That difference is that i dont love the same way everyone does.
I could die for love. You could too. But not for me.

You dont trust our love. You never did. 
Our biggest mistake was to get to know each other. My biggest mistake was buying that first ticket.
Because i was already in love. But of course you weren't.

Sometimes i realize that i forced you to love me.
You fell. But for how long?
You cant love someone you cant see. Someone you cant meet.
And we're so far away from each other.

I try my hardest everyday. But i struggle, a lot. I cant help it.
I miss you. I need you. I love you.
But everyday that passes makes me think you dont feel the same.
Not anymore.

You try. But you cant. You need me but i cant be there.
And you wont be here. You were never that kind of person.

One time, you told me that if you ever came here, you wouldnt tell me.
So it could be a surprise.
That was your biggest mistake. Telling me that.

Everyday I imagine myself opening the door and seeing you there.
And I cry. I cry so hard. Because that will never happen and i know.

I imagine myself on my birthday, you, sending no message.
Not giving me a call. 
I imagine myself sad, angry, alone.
And then i open the door and you're there.

And I cry. I cry so hard because I miss you so much.
But that wont happen. 
You're not that kind of person. You talk, a lot.
But you dont love me enough to do that.

I know you dont.

We used to talk all day. Now you barely call.
If i call, you hung up.
You say you need space. 
But what are you talking about?

You say I have to trust you.
And i try. I try so hard.
But sometimes i wonder if I'm trusting the wrong person.

I gave you everything i have. 
I never doubted before doing it.
I changed myself in so many ways.
Just for you to love me.

You didnt gave me anything.
You didnt doubt it because you never thought about doing something.
You did change.
And you never asked me to do what i did. I know.

I do everything i do because i love you.
And when i love i dont doubt.
I give my heart, i give my soul, my time, my body.

I wish you could love me the way i do.
But i know you cant do that.
You cant love the way i do.
No one can.

That's the difference between me and everyone.
I love a lot. And i always love the wrong person.
No matter where i go. No matter what i do.
I always love the wrong person.

I'm the only wrong person here. 
I know it and it hurts so much.
Because i cant stop loving you.

I never felt an emptiness so big inside of me.
I'm surrounded by people, and yet I'm so alone. 
This emptiness is murdering me each day that passes.
It doesnt let me exist.

I know we have no future.
I know you dont love me enough.
I know you dont care enough.
But yet I still see you at my door when I open it.

And I want to die. Because you will never be there.